Back in January, I wrote a post here on prism aptly titled my inner child is annoying me. I received a lot of feedback from readers about how much it resonated. Today, I’m sitting beside a small altar (shown below) I am creating to honor the little one of me, as I am still engaging in this ongoing piece of healing work. I’m inspired to give you a 6-month update around this reparenting journey… which totally sounds like annoying therapist-speak, admittedly, because it is. You can google “reparenting the self” and you’ll get a ton of information.
As you may have noticed, I’ve been posting a lot of old photos on my Substack lately from different times in my life. Taking inventory, revisiting key relationships, cities, bedrooms, fashion, and memories. I’ve been digging through bins in my basement and finding bits of nostalgia. (Hello, Mercury retrograde!) I unearthed this old photo of a small table I had in my bedroom when I was maybe seven, which inspired parts of my current altar above.
In finding old pictures of my bedrooms from grade school, I’ve been turning toward my inner child in a more attentive way. She’s been very actively and loudly trying to get my attention in these four+ years since my separation from Craig, since living openly as my queer self, since reorienting my business, since all the shifts midlife has brought. I know she’s trying to get my attention because, as I wrote in January, I hear her voice come out of my mouth sometimes when I speak, especially toward the end of the day when I’m tired and feel like I just want to be taken care of. I feel shame about that, which makes me know it’s time to shine a light directly on it and to share deeply about it where I feel safe. (That’s my foolproof prescription for shame.)
During these four+ years, I’ve had to learn to adult by myself — to solo-parent half the week, to coparent, to figure out my finances, to run a household, to be in a new and growth-producing romantic relationship, and to work my ass off to try to make self-employment a way to comfortably support myself (jury is out on that last one! Gah! 😬). Amidst all of this groundbreaking transition, my inner child part needs to know she is safe. The earth shows us how plants need fertile soil in order to grow. Simple attachment theory teaches us that we need a safe base form which to explore our world. My art therapy training taught me we need a framework to have true freedom. I’m so very wonkily trying to reorient to a soil and a base and a frame so I can fully enjoy growth, exploration, and freedom — three of my core values!
Little me needs to know I’ve fucking got this and that I’ll take care of us. And for the first time, maybe ever, I am trying to discover safety from within, rather than via external circumstances or relationships. Yes, I’m all for embracing our innate interdependence, as you know if you read my Substack, yet I also believe in the need to generate safety and security from within, which seems to be a new part of my life’s curriculum.
You can go back and read the post from January on “parts work” and inner child work. (If you’re not a paid subscriber and can’t see the whole thing anymore, it might be in your email OR you can get seven days of free access to older posts.) Here, today, I am focusing on appreciation for the little one of me, as she’s not going to stop pulling on the hem of my t-shirt or waving her hyperextended, tanned arms in the air trying to get my attention until I lovingly, gently, receptively, and very presently place it on her.
She’s a really awesome kid, and she doesn't quite know it. In maybe 1982, she had this pink, affirmational Cathy Guisewite poster (from the somewhat irritating and problematic comic strip, Cathy) taped onto her closet door that read: “I am talented, gifted, creative, charming, brilliant, beautiful, sweet, thoughtful, witty, clever, gorgeous, dynamic, and a joy to be around.” (Yes, I still have it memorized.) I so wish I could find that poster for my kid altar, or maybe I’ll make one — but without Cathy on it and all her unhealthy diet culture shit. I’m claiming those adjectives for her now. She is also imaginative, intuitive, contemplative, smart, goofy, cuddly, sensitive, compassionate, generative, expressive, and kind. This kid is all those things and more, though her circumstances make it hard for her to see and own those virtues.
Dear reader, you know by now I relate to and admire Glennon Doyle. On her birthday this March, she posted about her work with her own inner child, and she wrote about her little kid self using the four categories below. I thought I might do the same here today, to introduce you to this one of me, to acknowledge her, and perhaps inspire you to do something similar.
meet little jen
Her likes: The Muppets, everything rainbows and anything iridescent, stuffed animals, the big pack of crayons with the sharpener, her pet kitties and her cocker spaniel, writing stories on her typewriter, cuddling by cozy lamplight under a Nana-crocheted afghan blanket on a rainy day, truth tellers, her rock and crystal collection, choreographing dances and putting on shows, studying the supernatural, watching (and memorizing) sitcoms, frozen chocolate milk, the hammock on the screened-in back porch (because mosquitos in the southeast!), playing cards with Nana, reading books with strong heroines (Harriet the Spy and all the Judy Blume), beachcombing, terrycloth, colored glass, swinging on her swing set, those little Sea Wees mermaids on a sponge in her bubble bath, eating concord grapes from the vine in her backyard, having sleepovers with friends, building forts, tinkering endlessly
Her dislikes: Slammed doors, yelling voices, harsh tones, petty gossip, small talk, mosquitos, tight hair curlers, boating, knives, swimming lessons, baby dolls, weeding the garden, soggy vegetables, chewy meat, closed-mindedness, obligatory politeness, being copied, being told she’s too sensitive, being undermined or underestimated, being forced to play outside, being lied to, being left out or abandoned (physically and emotionally)
Her main needs: Quiet time, openness (in schedules, spaces, hearts, minds), soft fabrics, soothing sounds, ambient lighting, artistic and playful ways to express herself and her truth, to be seen, heard, met, understood, and empowered
What I tell her now: “I see you. I hear you. I love all of you. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.” Then, I put her on the couch with her coziest blanket and frozen chocolate milk and her kitties and allll the time in the world to linger, with my steady company. (If you’ve seen Inside Out 2, think about how they treat Anxiety at the end of the movie. So loving…)
What does your little one like, dislike, need, and want to hear?
reading: Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy (She’s sneaky in making you think she’s writing about parenting, but she’s very much writing about reparenting yourself.)
watching: The Olympics! My sporty spice girlfriend, my kitties, and I are watching women’s basketball, women’s rugby, women’s soccer, gymnastics, swimming, and a little of anything else sporty spice (and the cats) get drawn into.
podcasting: The Pink House with Sam Smith is such a gorgeous podcast, with intimate conversations about childhood, safety, queerness, and beauty with amazing guests like Ocean Vuong, Ben Platt, Elliot Page, etc. Highly recommend!
eating: so much watermelon! 🍉 It’s been soooo freakin’ hot outside that it’s the only thing that feels refreshing.
seeking: a Thai iced tea mix I can blend with my fave oat milk/creamer in the morning that’s not too terribly bad for me… Please reply with any suggestions!
dreaming about: finding the perfect new home next year
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