my inner child is annoying me
finding self-compassion for the most shameful parts
This picture of me at three years old has been staring at me from this spot on my desk for about six weeks now. Within the frame of this rounded-edge, matte photo (clearly printed in the 70s!) this little girl sits beside a curiously large, stuffed St. Bernard. She’s still in the white undershirt she slept in (I always slept in those as a kid), looking less-than-amused with the outcome of having worn those uncomfortable pink sponge rollers under a scarf all night long to make her hair this freaking curly.
Sometimes, when I’m needing a boost in self-compassion and positive self-talk, I place a childhood photo of myself in a spot where I’ll be sure to see it often, like here on my desk, on my bathroom mirror, on my iPhone home screen, or stuck to the dashboard of my car. It’s a reminder to treat myself the way that child needed to be treated, to only talk to myself in the voice in which I’d talk to that child one of me.
I recommend it; it’s a beautiful practice. The thing is… my inner child is pissing me off at the moment. She has been taking center stage in my life recently. She’s been the one in the driver’s seat, and she’s ages away from getting a license. I wince when I hear her little voice coming out of my face most times when I’ve talked over the past month (and intermittently in the months prior). I’ve been appalled at hearing her insecurities and whining expressed out loud to those closest to me, and I’ve been impatiently enduring her unexpressed tantrums in my head.
I realize this does not sound very evolved or compassionate of me, especially being a coach/therapist and a mother of my own child. Alas, I’m a being who continually works these intense pieces of stuffing a soul into a human body on this planet, layer by layer, spiraling deeper into my self-inquiry and healing with each pass. No one is exempt, and the growth is never complete.
If you are familiar with IFS (Internal Family Systems)/parts work (or before it was named as such by Richard Schwartz, basically any type of inner child therapy/personal growth work), you may already get what I’m talking about here. If you’re not familiar, you’re likely thinking I’m bananas, so here’s a super-simplified explanation:
In most therapeutic approaches, all adults are said to have an inner child. Inner child therapy, coaching, or personal exploration allows adults to address past wounds by understanding the needs they had as a child and how they can now provide that to themselves as an adult.
Of course I know (rationally, intellectually, professionally, maturely), that this young part of me is coming forth so strongly because she is needing love and attention. She is bringing her own wisdom, showing my grown-ass adult self the next layer that’s up for healing. For me, at its core and outside of story, this is about the shame of neediness. Oof, I’ve worked this one a lot in my adult life. I’ve been making every effort to alchemize the shame I’ve carried since childhood for having needs and for thinking of needs as “needy.”
The adult one of me, the internal parent, has repeatedly turned toward this inner child of me with so much love, patience, and understanding. And still, here she is, this little girl, showing up in moments when she feels tremendous fear and uncertainty. When she feels unsafe or unloveable. When she does not feel seen and heard.
I write about this in depth in my book, but here I’ll say that it takes a lot of energy not to collapse and wallow, surrendering to regressing into the younger parts of ourselves. Reparenting draws on the courage and confidence we’ve mustered as adults, where we can show up for the little versions of us we carry inside, like nesting dolls do. We can give these small ones a hug, a kind word, or advocate for their needs in a way they didn’t get to receive earlier in life. Sometimes it’s easier to help my clients with this than it is to do it for myself. I truly get the resistance to this work. And I’m staying right here, not abandoning myself — no matter how annoying!
reading: If you want to know more about Internal Family Systems, No Bad Parts is a helpful resource.
laughing at: Speaking of kids, I just watched Mike Birbiglia’s comedy special, The New One, which felt a little more like a very entertaining, dramedic one-man show.
gadget I’m enjoying: Loop earplugs. I finally got a pair, and I’m hoping they help my sensitive self live more comfortably in a noisy world.
noticing: how sweet it is that both my magical cats stay near when I sleep, making sure I’m okay through the night.
coveting: new carry-on luggage: preferably soft-sided and the maximum size carry-on rolling bag. Do you have one you looove? Hit me up!
offering: this live, virtual event for all of you on January 30th. I’ll take you on a guided visualization to meet your future self and show you how you can use that vision as a guide for the person you’re becoming. Learn more + join us!
soooo looking forward to: going to my first Girls Just Wanna Weekend later this week! I can’t wait to report back soon… stay tuned!
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