fitting in versus belonging

+ the discernment it takes to know when belonging is even possible (+ other beautiful stuff!)

a fun form of art play: embellishing stray marks that land on my blotting paper

This past week has been rough. I’ve had nightly bouts of insomnia, leaving me tossing, turning, and watching where my mind goes when she’s anxious. Oh, busy mind! Aside from the ruminating, I also spend my time in the middle of the night appeasing two sweetly concerned cats who can sense the very moment my brain wakes up (even if I’ve not moved a muscle!) They saunter up to my face from wherever they had been catting in the darkness, immediately wanting to chat and receive neck massages. (I mean, me too, kitties.)

One of the many topics on which my mind has been perseverating (and my heart has been heavily holding) involves the difference between fitting in and belonging. In today’s post, I’m going to get into my personal struggle with masking and self-abandonment to fit in verses showing up in my fullness, hoping to find that easeful place of belonging.

But first, with the intention of sharing awesome art and perhaps inspiring your own noticing of brilliance and beauty this week, here’s this week’s installment of…

• reading: Okay, I read it (on Audible) over the summer, but I still cannot stop thinking about You Could Make This Place Beautiful by

  Maggie Smith
  ,so I had to tell you.

• tuning into (via podcast): Handsome - A light, playful podcast consisting of three of my favorite queer comics, mostly bantering: Tig Notaro, Fortune Feimster, and Mae Martin

• listening to: Revisiting some circa 2008 Bon Iver because it gives me fall-along-the-PCH nostalgia. The song Flume is coming out of my Sonos right now, as I write this.

• watching: My kid and I are slowly getting caught up on Project Runway All Stars Season 20 because this show is such a perfect blend of reality tv cattiness and watching people make dope art.

• laughing at: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler - I saw their Restless Leg Tour live in Denver yesterday! Fun blend of improv, stand-up, sketches, and video nostalgia.

• colors I’m feeling: Emerald green, taupe, plum, neon yellow, dove gray

• craving: A space lit by sunlight streaming through floor-to-ceiling windows and prisms splashing rainbows on the white walls housing large pieces of stirring art and swirly wood-grained beams across vaulted ceilings and healthy, large-leaved plants in gorgeous ceramic pots and holding a handmade mug filled with an oat-milky nourishing tea and my bare feet solidly planted on a radiant-heated floor and a wide, peaceful smile on my face as I receive a soft, tender kiss on the cheek from my beloved.

• following: Amy McNee of Inspired to Write: She offers compassionate wisdom for creators of all kinds.

• practicing: I’m aiming to regularly practice a “wellness check” inspired by the poem below, written by my favorite poet ever,

  Andrea Gibson
  . (You’ll undoubtedly hear much more about Andrea in my future posts, and I know I promised last week that I wouldn’t mention We Can Do Hard Things every single week, but heads up that this week I’ll be mentioning it twice. First, because on Thursday, Andrea and their partner, Megan, were guests on the podcast and it was heartopening amazingness, as ever! Listen!) Anyway, this poem of Andrea’s applies beautifully to what I’ll talk about below regarding belonging.

• learning: Deepening my knowledge and application of the enneagram in my coaching work via enrolling in a new course focused on exploring the shadow of each type. CEUs baby!

• thinking about/wildly intimidated by the prospect of: A new haircut (one that is actually quite different from the one I’ve been getting since I was like four!!? Will it ever happen?? Haha, WTF knows!)

Now back to my middle-of-the-night ruminations on this idea of fitting in versus belonging. Do you remember seeing this post by Brené Brown ages ago? It struck me then:

It resurfaced in my consciousness a couple weeks back when I was listening to (okay, this is the second mention) Episode 241 of We Can Do Hard Things when Glennon referenced it. Here’s a clip from the transcript that further illuminates this distinction:

Brené Brown [talks] about the difference between belonging and fitting in. And that most of us just try to fit in, which means we look at a group and we say, "Okay, what are they doing? What are they wearing? How are they talking?" And then, we change ourselves to be like that to be with them. And so, when we do that, we get a false sense of belonging, it's not real belonging, it's fitting in. Belonging, you have to be yourself. You have to truly be accepted for who you are to have real belonging. So, fitting in is just as much self-abandonment as anything else. You're still alone. It's a fake version of you.

In talking with people who grapple with this in their families of origin or in groups of peers or colleagues, I realize the utter universality of this compulsion/aversion to putting on a fake version of self. It struck me because in my adult life thus far, I’ve constantly been in a practice of trying to show up just as I am, in all settings; however, due to my deeply engrained socialization, I sometimes fail at this. I don’t necessarily try to dress/act like a group I’m with, but I sometimes make myself smaller or quieter when it’s clear I’m not going to belong.

If you know me or if you know about my coaching work with fellow recovering good girls and former people-pleasers in midlife or if you read my book, you know that in my adulthood, I’ve been a proponent for expressing truth far more than keeping things status quo. So, I am not proud when, in certain scenarios, I mask my idiosyncrasies or opinions - to keep others comfy? to fit in? When I do that, I am not modeling what I want to be a stand for. I am abandoning myself — which causes the deepest form of loneliness. A loneliness that apparently woke me (and my cats) up in the wee hours because I regrettably shrunk myself the week prior.