how envy helps us figure out what we truly desire

+ my story of claiming queerness after walking for years down a hetero-passing path

In my coaching practice, I help women identify their deepest, inner longing and find the courage to move toward it. It’s common for them to feel like something is missing, to feel dissatisfied, yet to hesitate in answering the question: “What do you truly want?” Many of us have never really been asked. Most haven’t been taught how to want or even that it is okay to want. Instead, we’ve been taught how to be wanted. I support people in tuning inward to name their desire, and one of the most dependable indicators is envy.

A handful of the people I work with are exploring the fullness of their sexuality later in life, so I’ll use this powerful topic (and my own personal story) as an example of opening up to envy. I hear from many women who are married to men that they don’t want to “blow up [their] life” because they think they may be queer. I hear from people who are parents that they want to keep things stable “for the children.” They spend their days with their kids and in community wi…